Long before I was deemed old enough (by any game rating system) to play it, Grand Theft Auto came out. It was a grand old game of stealing cars, killing people and partaking in all sorts of criminal misbehavior. It didn’t really spark too much controversy back then (then again, I was little and with even less internet connectivity. Oh, and the various Wikis say it did. Probably because PCs (I’m aware of other versions) were rare and magical artifacts, while the pixilated, top-down, half-3D view didn’t support the use-the-hooker-kill-the-hooker refund (as the mainstream media likes to parrot this as probably the main goal of the game, so do I aim to mention it in every review) model. After all, it takes full blown 3D to get old people’s panties in a twist.

The game has little to no plot. You start as probably a crook: you can, for the first and the last time, “choose” who you play. The effect being that a black avatar will result in a brown-yellow-blue smudge being your characters, instead of the pink-yellow-blue white person version. The missions (you only get one shot at those) are given mostly through payphones, though additional distractions can be found by entering certain cars (found by following the directions on the pager. Don’t know what that is? Suck it, young people). They don’t really connect into a plot arc and the only “characters” are the ones that describe your tasks. The game takes place in three cities. The first levels are in Liberty City (New York), then in San Andreas (based on San Francisco) and the game ends in Vice City (Miami, the most unique and atmospheric of the three).

This being GTA, the missions mostly involve stealing and driving cars or, if you’re unlucky, clashes with armed miscreants or coppers. Your path to the objectives is shown by a yellow arrow that points in their direction…though this might be tricky if the objective is far away, for you might drive yourself into a dead end. The character text gives those assignments flavor, so that you would know the difference between delivering a District Attorney to be hanged on a hook by his ass, picking the mayoress up so she could bump uglies with a crime boss, or delivering a criminal’s wife to an abortion clinic. Some of them even change the game world, like blowing up a police station or a bridge.

The control scheme is a GTA classic. Arrow keys for movement, enter for entering cars, space is the handbrake and control is for attacking. Now while this does serve you well, while you’re in a car, this makes gunfights nigh impossible. The character can’t strafe, so shooting is done by standing in one place and hosing the enemy with lead. This is, understandably, critically unsafe since the player can take, like, four shots. Tops. IF he has the rare body armor. No armor? One shot and you’re down, in a game that gives you a limited amount of lives and only one chance to do each mission right. Yeah, that makes the end-game almost impossible.

But, fear not loyal readers (disloyal scum will be shot in a dark alley behind Facebook), the missions aren’t vital to completing the game. You see, this was released in 1997 and, as such, the game keeps your score (not only point, but criminal acts also. It’s fun to hear what you did after being released from imprisonment). Your goal for each of the levels/stages is to get a certain amount of funds. How? Well, killing a pedestrian gives you a 100$ bill. Killing a pedestrian after a successful mission gives you 200$ - each completed mission adds to your score multiplier (each arrest subtracts from it). The bigger multiplier you have, the easier it is to rake in the cash.

But you have to be careful, the cops are less lenient than in the other games, while your ability to survive a firefight is akin to a hamburger’s chances of fighting off an American (and the police can’t even get a stroke while running after you). Oh, and I forgot to mention: this game does not support saving. Each level must be completed in one sitting. 1997 was Dwarf Fortress-level hardcore.

Of course, no GTA title would be anything without actual vehicles. The streets are filled with potential carjacking victims, driving the tools of your next crime-spree. Taxis are ubiquitous, but you’ll learn to differentiate between the good and the bad choices pretty early. The logic is simple – if it’s fast, it’s probably weak. If it’s slow, it can probably take a pounding. And while the game shows you exterior damage of the car, this does not reflect how shot up it is. That is why it’s impossible to play this game without sound – only the audio of a deteriorating engine will give you any idea about the actual state of the car. And you don’t want to blow up, do you?

The weapons aren’t anything special – there’s a pistol, an automatic rifle, a flamethrower and a rocket launcher…and that’s it. Aiming them is a pain.

The game also introduces long standing tropes of the series. We already have the respray shop (to get those pesky cops off your tail and to repair the car), the car rigging services and cranes that pay for the delivered cars. RC bomb cars make their appearance, as well as “Kill Frenzy” (kill x of y in z seconds) challenges.

While the maps are rendered in 3D, the cars and people are 2D. The detail on the vehicles is fine and all the ways you can get killed look decently gruesome. Level design varies from city to city, with Vice City being the most interesting. Car design also changes from city to city. The sound part, as usual with GTA titles, is pretty damn awesome. While the radio stations were just starting up and without their comedic flair, the music selection is all well and good.

GTA also has two mission packs, called GTA: London 1969 and GTA: London 1961. They set the player in London, with unique cars, locations and missions. They don’t look that pleasant when compared to GTA (due to London being, well, grey), but they’re still fun. Problem is, as far as people I know are concerned, I’m one of the chosen few who have not only heard of London 1969, but played it too (with London 1961 I’m sort of the only one who has ever seen it). A funny thing is that London 1969 requires the now-free GTA while free from the start London 1961 requires London 1969…which isn’t free as far as I know.

All in all, this is the start of the gaming franchise that is probably responsible for the whole sandbox driving genre (Mafia, True Crime, Total Overdose, Saboteur…). While it certainly has weak points – lack of saving, atrocious combat – it’s still fun, bright, cheerful and devoid of annoying cousins.