You'd imagine secret stuff in a game about pirates named "Hidden Mystery" or "Lost Treasures" to be found at the end of a long and convoluted treasure hunt involving cutlasses, large-chested women and monkeys. You'd expect it to culminate in an epic battle on a desert island, with crossed swords and much unhygienic, swearing men. Well, Assassin's Creed may or may not have the aforementioned aspects in the latest instalment, Assassins Creed 4: Black Flag, but unfortunately, the secret stuff... well... isn't gained in such an exciting manner.

Instead, they are pre-order bonuses. Yes, try to avoid the mental image of a shrunken-head festooned pirate wearily swiping a credit card and hauling off a big chest of loot, which is mostly exclusive DLC content. Anyway, GameStop has a "Black Island" bonus, which includes a ship, a costume and a pistol, Amazon.com has a "Hidden Mystery" which is aptly-so, a treasure hunting mission on Mystery Island, another ship and costume and some multiplayer items. Walmart has "Sacrificed Secrets" which has Captain Drake's swords, pistols and his... picture? What, like a fan poster? Best Buy and Target have the "Lost Treasures" and "Trove of Mystery" packs, which contain wheels for the ship and relics.

Gods, I've never had to utter pirate lingo in such a drearily mundane fashion. Let's hope the actual game will be much more exciting than this. Anyway, check out more info on the game here.